old journal which I dont even know why is still up:
Lie to me
All is well in the land of Hyster. I went to the Doctor yesterday for my first checkup and he said so far so good. He was shocked that I havent taken my pain meds in about a week, and that I was moving around and acting as if nothing has ever happend. But c'mon, I am the chick that went home from a c-section days early and started cleaning the house - sans pain meds LOL! Jason says I have an abnormally high pain tolerance. But thats the thing.. there ISNT any pain to tolerate. Which brings him to another conclusion, that never even occured to me.
After my daughter was taken from us, they did a battery of tests on her.. well, a year after actually. Tests we had been demanding they do to begin with, tests WE had been trying to get done from the get go. Angel was BiPolar, we knew that, but she still wet the bed, and she didnt care. By that I mean, she could wake in the morning SOAKED in a wet pull up (we're talking 7 years old here) sometimes even with diarriah and walk around like she was totally dry, and not even care, until someone made her wash and put panties on. Obviously, that isnt normal. So part of these tests they did was an MRI, and alot of genetic testing and stuff. Nuerological things. They found out some VERY intersting things. But the thing I am referring to now isthat Angel had this small abnormality at the base of her spine, and it made it so she couldnt feel a small amount of things from the waist down. We think that is why she wet at night (she still does, she is 10 now) and why in the morning, she had no idea. She couldnt feel it. I dont know why,during the day it wasnt a problem.. maybe because she was alert and aware of having to go. I dont know. Unfortunatly the bastards at DHS wouldnt give us copies of the Doctor's reports, so Im going off of memory here.
Jason said yesterday that the reason I have been able to "recover" so fast from all of my abdominal surgeries (all waist down) is that *maybe* I have the same thing. Maybe I cant feel the extent of whats going on, and thats why I dont think it hurts. *shrugs* I just like to think Im super girl ;)
We went to breakfast today with his Grandpa (I ♥ Grandpa) and while we were waiting for a table, this family that I have known for YEARS was just leaving. The guy, who had been in my grade throughout school and was one of few friends I had, and still *sorta* was when I went to my home town looked straight at me, then tried to walk by me... So I slammed him with my purse >:D
.. which forced him to stop and say hi, then his sister came next and she said Hi, then his Mother came, and she said Hi.. and he looked at his wife, who had also gone to school with us, 2 grades below, and asked if we had met, and she pretended like she didnt know me!!! I was like "yes, we've met.. a few times. *glare* These people, all of them have always been nothing but nice to me, always having nice hellos and hugs, his being a bit more friendlier then most.. which, of course I was not expecting here because I know he is VERY in love with his new wife :).
But this greeting was all very strained, very.. uncomfortable, like they all wished they could make themselves.. or me probably, disappear.They quickly left, I was standing there stuffing my dignity back into my purse. I dont know why it was like that. It really hurt me though. I could totally be overreacting, Im pretty good at that. I am totally emotional, I can admit that. But this was weird. They - the entire family, have NEVER been like that with me. I tried to call my mom to find out what was going on, but she just blew me off before I got the chance to ask, so of course, I hung up, pulled the blankets over my head (literally, because I was in bed LOL) and started crying. Not becuase of what happend, just because I am sick of being blown off by her. Im sick of being treated like im invisable in my family. (ie: my mom and siblings family) My brother is cool, he doesnt treat me like that, but my oldest sister is pissed at me because of my husband's opinion, so I dont exsist to her, my little sister doesnt talk to me because we made her deal with her own problems, my mom only calls when she absolutly must.. I almost died with shock she even showed at the hospital when I had surgery. She was there when I woke up, and for about 5 minutes of my incoherentness.. and never showed or called again. I suppose she felt her motherly duty was done.
I need a beer.
3 lies | Lie to me
subject: Voice Post|
1 lie | Lie to me
subject: its almost tuesday|
and Im starting to freak out. I am definatly starting to get nervous now. And I know I shouldnt, because I know that they are going to put me to sleep and that like, 1 second later (for me anyway)it will be over. So WHY am I freaking out?? This will be my 9th surgery in 10 years. But to me, this is the most major so far. The most major next to this are my c sections, but that was removing things that are SUPPOSED to come out LOL!
At least this time I will have help. Unlike all the other times, when I havent. (and I mean ALL the other times, including my c-sections, with the exception of the first, when I had help for the first 3 days when I got out of the hospital) Lola will be here Monday, and Marius and I are going to Denver first thing Monday morning to pick her up.. IM SO DAMN EXCITED!!! So I guess there IS a bright side to this whole hysterectomy thing... aside from living without pain for the rest of my life ;). The show of support I have had for this is amazing.. I am so blessed to have the friends that I have. I have NEVER in my life have friends like this before. Funny that I had to get on the internet, after reading books written by a woman who cant write a sex scene to save her life to find them LOL!! :P
Maybe I'll post again soon, I need to get back off my ass and into the kitchen to clean some more.. Im running out of time!!!
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( cut for length. I will NEVER go here, just out of PrincipalCollapse )
1 lie | Lie to me
subject: revel in the red|
I am having what is to be my last period. It started today, which is funny because they NEVER start on time, but it did this time LOL! My hysterectomy is March 21st, and Im still really scared. I sit here and think... I cant go through with it...but I HAVE to. I am going to. Im just scared.Not scared, nervous I guess. Hell, I dont know. I go look at books, and everything is so clinical. I found ONE book that wasnt. It's called "Through the land of Hyster" but, of course, you cant find it ANYWHERE except online (Amazon ect..). I have tried every book store in town, but nobody carries it anymore. Commie bastards. God forbid they carry anything PRO Hysterectomy right? They have TONS of books called "you dont have to have that hysterectomy!!..(unless you are charly and have her problems)" really, the book was ACTUALLY titled that, Im not delusional.
I really need to get off my menstrual cramping ass and clean my house. Today is crash clean day, Marius's Great Aunt called yesterday and asked if she could stay with us for the funeral, of course we said yes... she'll be here today.
I was doing *so* good with FLYlady. what happend? Oh yeah, my uterus hates me. ... more excuses. Truth is, my uterus hates me, and I was in pain, and that seemed like a good reason to not do anything but the bare necessities. And then only when it reached emergency level. (ie: we have no more glasses and plates in the cupboard)
I think Im getting depressed. Maybe thats my problem. Or, maybe Im just lazy.
1 lie | Lie to me
subject: im drowning.....|
WHY ARE DOCTORS DUMB??
okay not ALL are I know. But I had to go in for an ultrasound today to look for any masses in my uterus, on my ovaries, ect.. before my surgery next week. That way they have a general idea of anything ELSE that might need to be dealt with while they are in there.
So, I go in there at 11am, after having drank enough water to want to puke. Apperently it wasnt enough bc my bladder looked empty on the U/C, and so she couldnt see my uterus. She says "drink 3 more of these cups of water, and I'll come back". So I do. She checks again, still nothing. She tells me to drink more water and WATCHES me drink 2 of the huge cups bc she thinks I am dumping the water out instead of drinking. She leaves, tells me to drink 2 more . I do. She comes back, and checks again. she says "did you go pee??" it looked like my bladder was even more empty! NOT POSSIBLE!! So she is mad at me, tells me to go eat (since I hadnt all day) drink more water and come back. it's 12:15 by now. I come back at 1pm, drink more water. She said she can see some of my uterus, and my ovaries, we are making progress, drink water and lay on my side.. SHE'LL COME BACK.
So she comes back. Guess what?? She cant see much of my uterus!!!!!!! At this point I hurt so bad not only from the pain Iv been n for weeks already, amplified by her digging in my pelvis with the doppler.. BUT I have to pee so bad I could die. and if I have to drink another drop of water Im gonna puke.
She lets me pee and decides on a vaginal U/C (its almost 2 by this time).
it turns out that the reason she couldnt see my uterus is because it tips to the left. So instead of my bladder getting full and bringing it forward or up or something- easier to veiw.. it was moving it sideways even more - therefore hiding it.
so the more water she was pumping into me the worse she was making it. Thanks Doctor.
Soo, yeah, uterine surgery, AGAIN, March 3rd. Woo fucking hoo.
why dont they just take it out?? Im just going to ask him.
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Generally, as a rule, I dont drink. For three reasons:
2)I dont like the taste of alcohol
3)my mother is an alcoholic
Now, if I go to a club(which, anymore never happens) or a bar (see before) I will drink, and most likely get drunk IF I know that I dont have to go home to kids. That means I dont go to those places unless Im spending the night at my mothers house LOL! (that would be my once a year trip to the bar)
So last night we are at our friend's house (can you belive it?! I have a friend that isnt on on my computer screen!!)and her husband and Marius were all like:
Them:do you want some wine?
me:no thank you *smile*
them:beer? wine cooler? c'mon..
me:NO thank you Im fine.
Marius: Duuude get her liqured up, maybe I'll get some
me: *eye roll* you wont NOW. (he did anyway >:D)
they proceded to name off drinks and annoy me (Marius knowing full well I dont drink) until FINALLY I relented and decided on a "flaming Dr.Pepper" assuming they had everything there, not knowing they were desperate enough to get me to drink that they actually WENT OUT to the liquer stor to get everything LOL! I only had one, It was okay, I was scared because fire scares me.. I have an intense fear of being burned. But, they shut up after I had one, and Marius still got laid so all was well.
EVEN BETTER, Little Princess (hereby known as PJ) and Master J (hereby known as MJ) BOTH were invited to stay the night with their son X, so we let them, it was PJ's first time, and we totally expected to get "the call" in the middle of the night, but it never came! We had a WHOLE night to ourselves!! You know what that means???
SEX WITH THE BLANKET OFF!! ROFLMAO!!
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Your quiz results make you a Zen Mom
How do you do it? Even when explosions are all around, you are able to take a deep cleansing breath and chant your mantra "this too shall pass." You are a calming influence on your kids in a hectic world.
ROFLMAO!!!! I'll tell you how I do it!! LOTS AND LOTS of meds!
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Today is my daughter Angelica's 10th birthday. Im not really sure what else to say. What else is there to say that I havent said in the old journal already? I'll cut and put her story here for those of you who dont know it.
Happy Birthday honey.
( Angelica's story (warning - loong story)Collapse )
6 lies | Lie to me